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Hard Knocks: Training Camp with the Miami Dolphins, Episode 3 – The Starter They Come, The Starter They Fall

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The first two installments of this year’s edition of Hard Knocks set the bar pretty high—last week’s piece of Chad Johnson-themed awkwardy goodness was the series’ second-highest-rated episode ever—and yet the third episode managed to…pale in comparison to what we’ve seen so far. No surprise. In fact, with the quarterback competition over and Chad Johnson gone, what the hell is left for the last two episodes? Football? Fuck that shit. To top it off, we only got one shot of Jeff Ireland’s office (in the very beginning no less) and zero—yes, ZERO—Lauren Tannehill appearances. (I assume she’ll return next week to celebrate the announcement of Ryan as the starting quarterback, if she can squeeze it in between video of her removing litter from animal habitats and enjoying board game night at the nursing home.)

Plus, I watched this week’s episode on DVR after catching up with some backlogged shows, two of which included the Comedy Central Roast of Roseanne and Jeff Ross’s new show The Burn. So now I’m in a roast state of mind, so forgive me if some of the notes I jotted down are particularly mean-spirited. If you have any problems, just voice them in the comments, which I’ll readily ignore, just like society does to most people who write on comments sections. Anyway, here is my scattershot selection of the best moments from last night’s Hard Knocks:

Hard Knocks got it out of the way immediately, so we should as well: “Let’s Spot The Things In Jeff Ireland’s Office!”

-Eraser heads.

I presume Stephen Ross wrote the name in the “General Manager” box of the team media guide in pencil.

-2011-2012 College Scouting Manual.

That explains our draft class this year; he probably just got the book this week.

-A photo of someone fishing, featuring a kid in a Ronnie Brown jersey. I guess NFL Shop keeps trying to unload clearance jerseys onto him as well.

I know how you feel Ireland, those NFL Shop e-mails start to eat away at you like Chinese water torture. I can only delete so many before I’m coerced into buying a Reebok Adewale Ogunleye jersey, size small.

-NFL Network. Now on Cablevision! Between seeing that channel for the first time and purchasing my first smart phone this year, I’ve finally caught up to the year 2006.

-A lot going on in this one:

1. A water bottle. God help us if that thing doesn’t end up in the blue “Recycling Only” bin.

2. One of those cheap calculators Staples throws in for free if you buy $60 in ink.

3. Anyone who can identify what the hell the theme of that page-a-day calendar is wins my Abdul-Karim al-Jabbar bobblehead.

-Ooh, a custom CD. I bet Ireland’s desperate to get them to play his grindcore mix during practice.

-Some notes have been added to the bulletin board. I’m guessing it’s a list of Napalm Death songs he wants on the next mix CD. Also, probably Ryan Tannehill’s new cell number. (Once again, nice job HBO.)

That’s all for our third installment of “Let’s Spot The Things In Jeff Ireland’s Office!”

-The big newsworthy event from this episode was that, following their frustration with the handling of Chad Johnson’s release, veteran players Reggie Bush, Jake Long, and Karlos Dansby (who was already on record voicing his displeasure about the front office’s decision) held a meeting with coach Joe Philbin to arrange some sort of leadership council once the season starts; that way, the leaders can provide a voice for the locker room before any similar decisions have to be made in the future. So once the season begins, look for the Dolphins’ players to have a means by which they can convey their opinions, concerns, and feelings to the Dolphins’ brass before said feelings are immediately disregarded and management does whatever the fuck it was going to do anyway.

-“Hump week: When real pros like Reggie Bush shake off fatigue and go even harder.” Funny, Kim Kardashian used that same line the time she was ready to go five times in one night.

-Just joking, Reggie. He had a rough week, culminating with him finally giving back his Heisman trophy. Kim loved that trophy, because it was the only thing touched by more black men than her. (ZING!)

-I don’t know what Reggie Bush is wearing during these practice drills, but has he considered trying EvoShield, the thinnest, lightest, and strongest custom-molding game-changing protective gear currently used by over 350 pro and college teams across a variety of sports? (We all have to start plugging this on our blogs, right?)

-“Goddammit, who swapped out my Anal Cunt tribute disc with fucking Marley?” – Jeff Ireland, probably.

-Ouch, did John Jerry get ripped for his weight. NFL.com has him listed at 345 pounds, but the coaches were saying he’s closer to 360. 360! Is that John Jerry or Ben and Jerry’s?

-No, he’s just cooling himself off. I didn’t accidentally link to that R. Kelly video again. (I make that mistake ONE time and you won’t let it go.)

-Here’s Jerry puking, which is what I imagine Jim Turner will be teaching him to do after dinner every night until he’s down to 330.

(I almost didn’t run that one. But I did, so here’s your disclaimers: Bulimia is bad. Jerry is perfect the way he is. The more you know.)

-Joe Philbin’s mini-fridge sucks. It’s just Gatorade and bottled water. Granted, there’s not much you can do with a mini-fridge, but at least put a Dr. Pepper in there for show.

-Eric Steinbach stole Philbin’s chair! Twice! This felt uncomfortable. If it were a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode, Larry would be fidgeting on that couch and arguing with his guest about the seating arrangement for about 11 minutes.

-The undisputed highlight of the episode was the Rookie Talent Show. I was excited as soon as I saw the premise. If they’re anything like the Dolphins’ recent rookies, the only talent they won’t excel at is football.

-First up, look-alikes:

Kevin Coyle and Freddie Roach.

No, no, no. It’s the players who will all look like Freddie Roach in 20 years. (Yeah, way too soon. I apologize in advance.)

(For the record, I would’ve matched Coyle with a homeless version of David Brooks. Via Google Images, fellow WordPress blogger Sadlyno has a pretty good visual approximation.)

-Joe Philbin and Mr. Mackey.

Clever, but it would’ve been easier to just go with John Malkovich.

-Matt Moore and Nacho Libre.

Not bad, although it’s really only ONE photo of Matt Moore in which he’s the doppelganger of Jack Black’s ninth-most obnoxious on-screen persona. (And that photo was apparently hard to track down, based on the low-resolution image they used. My screenshot doesn’t look any worse than it did on TV.)

The only difference between Moore and Nacho Libre is that people were willing to pay to watch Nacho Libre.

-John Jerry and what I can only assume is a rare vintage photo of Jason Whitlock.

-Jake Long and Katy Perry.

Yeah, I can’t argue with that. The best part is that Jake Long’s the one who will still have a career in two years.

-Hey, Tannehill’s been operating this slideshow the whole time. I think he majored in Power Point at Texas A&M.

-Chandler Burden (either the best or worst name ever) does an awesome Jim Turner impersonation. He should’ve recited the speech Turner will do at the end of the month while cutting Burden.

-Jarrell Root and Isaako Aaitui—as musical act El Guapo—perform a solid cover of Cee-Lo’s ubiquitous 2010 smash. (Major credit for actually doing “Fuck You.” “Forget You” was the worst act of censorship since MTV aired Weezer’s 2001 smash “H-Pipe.”)

I must say, they’ll never have an audience this size when they’re busking in the subway tunnel this fall.

-Jeff Ireland was adjusting three different chairs. Is he OCD? Did each one have to be at a certain angle or something? I’m not making fun; I’m OCD myself. I’m just asking.

Anyway, Joe Philbin makes sure the Rookie Talent Show was “clean” as the two of them stand on a carpet probably covered in semen.

(I always assumed the “late hours spent in the coaches’ office” line was a euphemism for something.)

-I was kinda hoping Joe Philbin would heave all the trash into traffic and cause the litterbug to veer off the road a la Bette Midler on The Simpsons.

-“Staff meeting.”

Why does this team feel the need to state the obvious in writing at all times? Will their jumbotron just read “FOOTBALL” all season?

I’d at least like to think Ireland runs his meetings like Murray on Flight of the Conchords.

-Hey, Pat Devlin got into a frame of this shot! Poor guy. Up until now, the Gatorade bottle received more airtime. (The bottle probably has a better chance of earning a roster spot as well.)

-Here, they appeared to just replace Devlin with either a mannequin or one of those life-size zombie props people place on their front lawn on Halloween.

-An actual list of current Dolphins receivers:

Davone Bess
B.J. Cunningham
Jeff Fuller
Clyde Gates
Brian Hartline
Chris Hogan
Rishard Matthews
Marlon Moore
Legedu Naanee
Julius Pruitt
Roberto Wallace

What a group! I think that uninspiring list of also-rans just made the Browns fans feel better about themselves.

-Vontae Davis is pissed at Steve Smith for blocking after the whistle.

It could be worse: Jonathan Martin forgot to block before the whistle.

-Coach Philbin on the team’s sluggish first half against the Carolina Panthers: “That’s not the Miami Dolphins I was expecting to see in the first 30 minutes.”

Me neither. I was never expecting to see them put up seven points.

-Here are some stills from that “Welcome to Miami” montage set to that pumping EDM song.

I get the feeling Pat Riley definitely played that video during his pitch to LeBron in 2010. The only difference was he probably contrasted it with video of Cleveland, which I assume mainly consisted of tumbleweed, boarded-up factories, and people purchasing ropes and stools.

-My second favorite segment in episode three: The Players’ Day Off:

-Look at Rishard Matthews rocking the Warriors hat. Can he get in touch with Andris Biedrins? The 7-foot Latvian would probably be our No. 1 receiver.

-Jared Odrick spent the day visting his local haberdasher, who promised him he’d be the best-dressed man in the NFL.

Unfortunately, he must’ve forgotten it’s the NBA that instituted a dress code. Nevertheless, it was responsible of him to proactively be making the proper sartorial choices for another season on IR.

(Kidding, kidding. He’s one-for-two in seasons played! Anyway, he could at least wear it to his Penn State alumni dinner. All he needs is some new shoes and the bag to go over his head.)

-Let’s be honest: Jake and Jackie Long threw that fish out the second the cameras left and went to Prime One Twelve.

-Chas Alecxih (my favorite Game of Thrones character) has some buyer’s remorse on the ‘do done at Paul Soliai’s makeshift hair salon. He wisely keeps the eyebrows, obviously learning a lesson from Josh Samuda.

-Les Brown and the missus go on a private airboat tour and reptile adventure. Crews didn’t cut to the third-grade biology class HBO probably forced out of there while shooting.

(By the way, I think I took that airboat tour. We ended up on an island where some Native American dude wrestled a gator while still keeping a cigarette in his mouth. True story.)

-Alright, I finally had to look up who the hell Jamie Lynn Crandall (Brown’s girlfriend) is, because Hard Knocks has shown us about four wives or girlfriends TOTAL this season, and yet the main squeeze of a long-shot tight end has been in every episode. (Yes, she’s hot, but that’s beside the point.)

Apparently, she is a former Miss Utah and, if this unverified Twitter feed is to be believed, a FORD model and “advocate against texting and driving.” (As noble a cause as my endeavor to raise awareness about always using the banister on staircases.)

(The Twitter account also says, and I quote verbatim: “Be-UTAH-ful.” Somewhere in Ogden, a Mormon family just read that and chugged a Fresca in solidarity.)

Anyway, there you have it! Ms. Crandall wants to make sure she rises to the level of fame attained by other Miss Utahs such as [names I’m not even bothering to look up on Wikipedia to use as a sarcastic reference].

-I imagine to be Miss Utah, the pageant committee just tries to find the first girl with a skin complexion darker than a jar of mayonnaise, only with less personality. (ZING again!)

-Cheer up, Matt Moore. You’ll be playing by Week 6. Just watch.

-Plus, he’s rocking a “Beavers” hat. Right on, bro! (I’m told he went to college at Oregon State. Well, it’s still funny!)

-Anyway, tonight’s episode ended with the big announcement we already knew: Ryan Tannehill will be the Dolphins’ starting quarterback. Apparently, coaches saw all the just-barely-above-mediocre play they needed to see to anoint Tannehill as the one deserving of first-team reps and the starting gig.

Tannehill took a seat on top of the sofa still housing the last decomposing shreds of Chad Johnson’s dignity to be informed of the decision by Philbin.

“Everybody’s gonna make it a huge deal and try to blow it out of proportion,” Philbin told his new starter. “Tannehill’s a rookie; they don’t have a great wide receiver; why are they putting him out there; who’s gonna play right side. They’ll come up with a million reasons.”

He later added, “And they’re not bad people. That’s what they get paid to do.” Wait, I was supposed to get paid for spending the last four months writing all the things he just said? Damn it Between the Beers editors!

-Anyway, Tannehill, with a double-strapped backpack and a head held high, strolls down the corridor as “Three Little Birds” plays in the background once more.

Yet the more important callback isn’t the classic Bob Marley song but rather the implicit reiteration of a theme Philbin established in his speech earlier in the episode: “Be supportive.”

In hindsight, it feels like that speech wasn’t aimed at the locker room as a whole but at Matt Moore directly.



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